Does Everyone Feel This Way?

Sometimes I am sick

when I think of what I could be

at 33 Christ had died for our sins

Kurt Cobain left us at 27

I’ve had 11 years more than him

and yet, here I am.

I am imminently qualified,

sanctified, by friends glorified

and hypnotized by the divine rights

I’ve eyed since I had no hair on my chin.

Back then, there was no barrier

no door to enter in

WHEN I am older

I’ll make it.

I’ll take what I want.

I’ll put in the work and then…

I arrived at older.

I put in the work.

I got the degree.

I raised the kid.

And still there is this lid on my agency.

When can I be free

to live my dreams?

I have the talent.

I spend a thousand agonizing hours

applying to a thousand of the same forms

managed by the same company, and yet…

here I am, working for the man.

I do not have that spark

which having in the dark

would light the rest of my path.

I have the ability now to participate

in paying back my cost of living.

I can pay for the past but I’m not building a future.

What good is the money

if the honey is sucked out of life?

No, I must go. I must push; I must grow.

Knowing what I know is to know that

through the next window could be

the one word I type that enables the rest of my destiny.

And so, this is me.

Please, if you are willing,

share this fleeting thought.

My brief digression to allow

a release of the pressure

or knowing there’s a better life for me.

Find your friends who can be my patrons.

Lift me from this life of torture to the horizon of hope.

And in sharing the reality of my calling,

allow me to cope.